What was I thinking???

The evening of June 21st, 2007, hauling an overflowing load of stuff that didn’t make it on the moving van, we pulled up to our new house in Fairwinds and … OMG!

Hah!  As a project manager, I should have known better … since when are renovations ever completed on time!

We knew there’d been schedule delays with the reno but we didn’t anticipate what we would find on arrival … no counters, no cupboards, no closets, one sink, one toilet … nowhere to unpack anything when the movers arrived the next day.  Complete chaos ….

However, little by little, we pulled things together. 

And little by little, Ron fell apart.

I discovered later that his decline was much more noticeable than I realized.  The day-by-day changes of his physical condition were lost on me, but not on the those who saw him only occasionally.

As soon as we could, we made an appointment with the Vancouver oncologist recommended by Ron’s doctor in Calgary.  Hmm, not until July 31st.  We were disappointed to have to wait so long but we were optimistic about what we would learn!

Heads-up from Spirit

Before we moved from Calgary, I had made plans to attend an International BodyTalk Conference in Florida, scheduled for mid-August.  I had earned my certification the prior October and was eager to become part of the larger community. So, in May, I had registered and made my flight and hotel bookings. 

By this point in my spiritual journey, I had experimented with readings from psychics and mediums and found them quite fascinating.  In early June, two weeks before the move, I’d arranged a reading to see what guidance might be forthcoming about the situation Ron and I were in. 

When I mentioned my travel plans to Florida, the medium immediately responded, “I feel sick to my stomach as I think about this.  The timing feels completely wrong.” 

There wasn’t anything more sinister that arose during the reading … nothing that would make me think twice about whether we should go ahead with the move. 

But as a result of this reading, I did inquire into the cancellation policies of all my bookings and set that information aside, just in case …. 

Realizing the dream

As July progressed, Ron raised the idea of making a trip to the bench in Brickyard Bay … the one we’d visualized for the past five years while anticipating our eventual move here. 

We could drive part-way, then would walk the rest of the way through the woods.  He was staying home a lot these days, resting more and having some trouble walking.  I wasn’t sure the time was right to make this outing.

But he insisted.

I drove us down to the park and watched him as he slowly inched his way down the forest path.  It had been a long time since we were last there.  We found the bench and eased into it. 

We sat for a few minutes, holding hands, absorbing the realization of the dream we’d held for so long.  It was hard for him to sit comfortably for too long, so we made our way back.

I didn’t know it then, but it was the last time Ron would sit on that bench.  However, I did realize he had just summoned all of his strength and will to give me this memory.

When we returned home, I began to cancel the arrangements for my conference.

Spirit begins to set the stage

Throughout the summer, I was very focused on getting the renos complete, having to handle most of it myself due to Ron’s declining energy.  In the meantime, I continued to trust that Ron’s health issues would resolve.

Then I had a dream ….

I was out and about in the community when I got a phone call … Ron had died suddenly.  Completely out of the blue.  I immediately rushed home and found it to be true. 

I awoke feeling quite unsettled.  I didn’t know what to make of it.  None of the details in the dream about where I was and what I was doing made any sense.  Surely, then, this was just my subconscious expressing a hidden fear. 

But I couldn’t quite shake the feeling of unease.  Not wanting to admit any hint of doubt … not to Ron, not even to myself … I set it aside and carried on.

I have since learned more about the power of dreams.  In fact, they have shown up for me in support of major life decisions (more on that to come).  I have learned it’s not the details of the dream that are important … it’s the symbolism they contain and the emotions they evoke. 

In hindsight, I realize the message in this dream was coming from Spirit …  trying to prepare me for what was to come. But back then, I wasn’t ready to listen.

The promise of a new treatment?

The end of July arrived and we made our way to Vancouver to see the oncologist.  By this point, the four-hour trip by car and ferry to get there was excruciating for Ron. He needed to lie down, not be cramped up in a small car. 

But the promise of a potential treatment beckoned and he’d do whatever it took.

We made it and were ushered into the oncologist’s office.  We found ourselves staring at medical students joining in on the consult.  Keen to learn about the new treatment that could help Ron, we turned eagerly to the doctor.

He started talking about things we didn’t understand … something about medication to make Ron “more comfortable.” 

“But what about the new treatment?” we asked.  “The oncologist in Calgary said you had a treatment that might help.”

Broken promises

He paused, with a look of confusion crossing his face, followed by a dawning realization …. 

“Oh, no … I’m sorry if you were under the impression that there was something we could do to cure your cancer.  There is nothing.  All I can do is help you to be more comfortable.”

Ever been punched in the gut?  Hard??  I figure this is what it must feel like.  What in the world was he talking about?  Why would we go through the torture of this trip to simply talk about pain medication?? 

Surely, we could have talked to a local doctor about this in Nanaimo, a thirty-minute drive from home, not this long-distance pilgrimage from hell!

Then the full implication of what he’d said began to take hold ….

There was no treatment to be had

Never give up!

We left the office and made the tortuous trip back home … deflated, confused, disheartened. 

Not one to stew in negativity, I pulled myself together.  Well, okay then!  We’d just have to continue to hold out for the positive and mysterious ways of (what I then called) the Universe! 

And I tamped down the little pricks of doubt that were trying to poke through my veneer ….

Categories: My Back Story

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